The day (November 19th, 2014) started out fairly normal! I went in for my weekly OB check up, and all was well… until the doc went to check to see what position Little Miss was in. Come to find out, she was breach and was not going to budge any time soon. Not only that, but my fluid was leaking. So the doc decided a C-Section right away was the best option.
Well, I sat in the chair and cried like a baby as he told me what was about to happen. This is not how I had planned it! Not at all! I wanted to have my baby vaginally, and I wanted to do it as natural as possible… No C-Section! I was scared and disappointed and excited all at the same time! I was going to get to meet my baby girl today!!
The C-Section went well, thank God. It was a little surreal. I delivered my baby not feeling a thing! Not even one contraction! Many women might think I was lucky, but I felt like I missed out somehow. I wanted to experience child birth… but it was a procedure. A surgery. Not a delivery. I did nothing to bring this baby into the world, but lay there. I was completely numb. Let me say again. It’s not what I had planned on or what I had wanted.
I was awake during the whole thing and my husband was right there with me. When my dear baby entered the world, I could hear her cries, and I cried too. They brought her around the sheet for me to see. She looked just like her daddy! I got to kiss her cheek. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, and I no longer worried about the C-Section. I was just so full of joy to see my daughter!
They told me that they would have to keep her in the nursery for about three or four hours, but then they’d bring her to my room. In the mean time, I could get cleaned up and rested. Because I had just undergone a major surgery, I was not allowed to get up out of the bed right away, so I couldn’t see her in the nursery. However, family members where coming and going looking at her and telling me how precious she was. Needless to say, I was very jealous, but the thought of having her in my arms in just a few hours kept me going.
Then the nurses came in and broke the news. Little Miss had fluid on her lungs and she was breathing too fast. She needed some help getting her breathing under control and getting the fluid out of her lungs. They explained that this was normal for C-section babies who are breach because the amniotic fluid was not naturally expelled during delivery. They told me that most likely she’d be ready to go home with me in a few days. I was disappointed, but reassured that it wasn’t anything serious.
In the meantime, I learned how to pump for breast milk. I wouldn’t be able to breast feed her until she was off the breathing machine, so I’d pump breast milk so they could feed it to her through a tube. After about a day, I was finally able to go up and see my sweet angel. It was heart wrenching. She was attached to monitors and machines and she had wires and tubes all over. She was so small. She weighed 5.13 lbs at birth. She looked so fragile.
My husband and I were able to hold her, but we had to wear gloves and masks. I remember just wanting to be able to smell her… but all I could smell was paper and plastic. The days went on, and no one could tell us when she’d be able to go home. She didn’t get released the same day as me as we had hoped. I was so disappointed.
Finally, she was off the breathing machine and they said I could start breast feeding her. After a few days, as she gains weight, they said we could bring her home. I was able to get a hospitality room so I could come and feed her every three hours. However, after a day, they needed that room for new patients coming in, so I was asked to leave.
That was a hard day. I cried and cried. I didn’t want to leave my baby! But I had to. I wasn’t able to come every three hours, but I pumped as often as I could and brought milk to the hospital several times a day. Needless to say, this was a very emotional and exhausting time for me and my husband. I cried so much and I had no appetite, and I began to dehydrate. This was not helpful since I was trying to breast feed.
Thanksgiving Day, I had my husband take me back to the hospital to the ER. I was shaking uncontrollably with cold chills and ached all over. I had a 103 temperature, yet I was freezing! What a mess!!! They ended up admitting me back into the hospital. The ER doctor said I had Mastitis as well as an infection in my incision and my bladder. They put me on some pretty strong antibiotics. Plus, I was dehydrated, of course. So I got to be at the hospital with my baby after all, just not as I had hoped.
After a few days, I was able to finally get up out of bed and I went to see my sweet daughter regularly. I decided after this whole ordeal that breast feeding was not the best option for me. As soon as Little Miss started taking formula instead of breast milk, she began to gain weight and was ready to go home in just a few days.
Let me say that I felt some major guilt in two different ways here. I felt guilty for WANTING to breast feed, because if I had just done formula from the beginning, we would have been able to bring her home much sooner. She just wasn’t gaining weight on breast milk. In fact, she was losing it. But after I made the decision to quit breast feeding, I felt guilty for that too! I mean, breast feeding is the best way, right? Thankfully, I realized that the guilty feelings is just all part of being a mom. They were irrational feelings. I did what was best and I now do not regret that decision.
So Little Miss and I spent a total of 13 days in the hospital. What an adventure! It was a time that I will forever hold in my heart as special, yet traumatic! I still do not really understand why God allowed it all to happen the way it did. I prayed for a vaginal, natural birth. I prayed for my baby to not have to go to the NICU. I prayed I wouldn’t have any medical issues that kept me in the hospital. Each of these prayers were answered with a “no.”
Now, I know my God is faithful and he answers prayers, so I know there is a reason for the way he allowed it all to go down. I am not sure of what it is yet… Maybe it was just a simple test of my trust and faith in him. But whatever it is, I’m just so thankful that my baby is healthy and she is home with us now. Every time I look at her, I see a miracle. An answer to prayer!