I went through a lot of emotional turmoil during the course of my pregnancy with my son. First of all, one of my stepsons was involved in a major ordeal that set the entire family on it’s head. We were all confused, sad, and scared. I think that may have been one of the main reasons my husband was not too thrilled about having a new baby. The timing just felt all wrong. And honestly, it was hard for me to be happy about the baby while we were all worried about our other child.
Thankfully, a month after we realized we were expecting, we received good news about our older son. The circumstances were beginning to turn around and there was light at the end of the tunnel. By that time, Babe was beginning to warm up to the idea of having another baby. We began to discuss what the gender may be and what names we would like.
With that crisis virtually behind us, now we could just enjoy the pregnancy, right? Well, my emotions were very raw during this pregnancy. I cried at the drop of the hat. It was much different than my first one, where I would react in anger instead of sadness, but that is a story for another time.
So being as delicate as I was, I really became a mess when I began to get news from my parents and siblings who live two states away. My parents who had been having marital problems for years were going through with a divorce. My mother decided to move in with another man whom she just met a few weeks earlier, while she was still married to my dad, and my grandmother was all but encouraging it, because she loved the new guy so much and has always detested my father.
Oy… what a mess. I was getting phone call after phone call, text after text, each of them trying to get me to listen and agree with their version of events. My poor sister (the middle child) was being sucked into their drama and so she would call me in tears not sure how to deal with it all.
My dad who is addicted to pain meds, was having severe health issues. He’s a diabetic and a heavy smoker. He is also terrible with his finances. He called me one day, begging for money. I couldn’t give it to him. Not only could I not afford to give him money he would never return to me, but he would just blow it on things that would hurt him.
So he became angry with me. We argued and he hung up on me and called me back a few times until finally I stopped answering. After that, we went several weeks… maybe even a few months… without speaking to each other.
This is just a few small things that went on while I was pregnant. I was a mess. My heart was broken and I was worried about my family. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, my sweet husband rubbing my back and praying for me.
One night, I was so spent, I got out of bed and sat in the living room. I cried harder than I had in a long time. Just so discouraged and overwhelmed by the mess that was my family. I felt hurt and betrayed. I felt like I had given so much to them and they were being so selfish in return…
That’s when Babe came in and laid his hands on my head and began to pray for me and plead the blood of Jesus over my mind. Peace flooded me at that moment and I realized how blessed I really am. I have a wonderful, godly husband who loves me, and I have four amazing children.
As hard as it was, I had to let go of my family of origins. I had to leave them in God’s hands. I had to separate myself from them, more than just by physical distance. I had to step back emotionally.
The only family member I spoke to for most of the end of my pregnancy was my sister. She was dealing with the mess in person and she really needed my encouragement. But the rest, I stopped communicating with for a period of time.
I wrote a letter to my mother and grandmother to explain why, and my grandmother’s response was less than kind. My mother never bothered to respond at all. It hurt deeply.
I struggled with anger. All of this was bringing things to light inside of me that I had buried a very long time. Memories of abuse and neglect. Realization of deception and hypocrisy. It was all being revealed, and I had to figure out how to cope with it all.
In my next “New Baby” post I will talk about how the Lord brought healing, and how he used our precious bundle of joy to do just that.