Me and my raw emotions

Note: I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for a long time. I guess I wasn’t ready to share it, but over the past several months I have experienced much healing and restored strength. I hope my vulnerability in what I’ve written will help someone else who can relate.

Have you ever just been at a place in life where you have been emotionally strong for months on end, but then the smallest little comment or slight from a friend or even just an acquaintance can set you off? Tears begin to flow like a dam has been broken.

I am in that place right now. For a long time I’ve just been numb to my feelings almost. Like I am strong on the outside but I really know I’m only avoiding the hurt. But then tonight a friend texts me about something and corrects (more like reprimands) me. She was wrong… I was right… but that doesn’t matter. I was polite and I kept my cool and kept my friend… but then all my emotions just flooded out of me.

My husband noticed that something was wrong and asked me about it. But I couldn’t talk about it. He wouldn’t understand. I just needed to get away and cry.

Cry because my friend treated me like an ignorant simpleton. Cry because I’m really hurt and angry at her and I wanted to tell her off but I also wanted to keep my friend. Cry because it’s stupid to be so upset over something so silly. Cry because I miss my mom but she is emotionally unavailable to me. Cry because I miss my dad but he’s not in an emotionally healthy sate either. Cry because I’m so tired and haven’t really slept well since the baby was born. Cry because I just need time to myself but at the same time I don’t want to be alone…

So here I am… sitting in the dark typing this on my phone. Not even sure if I will publish it. After all, my blogs are supposed to be encouraging right? But this is the real me right now. I’m a mess…

Yet… even now in this dark room, my face wet with tears, and the sobs still escaping my throat, I can sense the presence of Jesus. His word promises that he draws near to those with a broken heart. I know he is here.

This is not the first time I’ve felt this way, and it won’t be the last. I’ve learned that Jesus is always ready and waiting for me to reach out to him. He can and does heal my brokenness each time.

He doesn’t care how silly it is that I got my feelings hurt over nothing. He knows it goes much deeper than that. He lets me cry and then he holds me close. He loves me. He soothes me. He calms me.

I will sleep well tonight after I’ve cried it all out. Jesus will sit here beside me and stroke my hair and caress my arm. He will not leave me alone.

I will be okay.

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